A South Park Christmas
by Bubbaly Waddle
Summary: ONE-SHOT! The boys decide to celebrate Christmas their own way: with Mr. Hankey, with rude versions of songs, and of course, presents.


South Park Christmas

Rating: T

Summary: The boys decide to celebrate Christmas their way: with Mr. Hankey, with rude versions of songs, and of course, presents.

South Park Christmas

"Mr. Hankey is REAL, Cartman!" Kyle Broflovski shouted at his worst enemy, Eric Cartman. Even though they were now in eighth grade, they still hated each other beyond limits, and hoped that the other one would die any day soon. Seeing as Kenny's been the only one to die, the probability of either Cartman or Kyle dying is unethical up to this point.

"You've even seen him!" Kyle said again, trying to make a point to Cartman's stupid logics that a Christmas poo can't live, and the only reason Mr. Hankey comes back every year is because it's his cousins, Mr. Hankey, Mr. Hankey 2, and, Mr. Hankey 3, and so on. The old Mr. Hankey, well, lets just say, he died.

"Well, that was like, four years ago, Kahl!" Cartman shouted out again. "He could have drowned in the toilet. Or someone stabbed him with a knife…"

"Poo can't be cut by a knife!" Kyle shouted again. These two boys fights were just getting worse and worse each year and each day, and Kenny McCormick and Stan Marsh were just about getting sick of it. They were threatening to quit the group if they had any more fights. Even though there were, Kenny and Stan never left. The group just couldn't be torn apart, or the world would be forever changed.

"Yes it can, Kahl!" Cartman shouted again. "I'm getting fucking sick of all your stupid Jewish tradition crap! The stupid dreidel song, the fact you only get a dreidel everyday for the eight days you get presents, and the STUPID MR. HANKEY CRAP!" Cartman tried to calm down and kneeled down to catch his breath. The whole speech he had just given Kyle was destroying the heck out of him.

"C'mon, guys." Stan said, trying to stop the fight between them. "It's the holidays, so lets just not fight right now, okay." Cartman and Kyle stopped their evil glaring at each other and glared at Stan. What he had just said got to them more than anything either of the other one could say to the other.

"What did you say, Stan?" Cartman asked, making sure he heard what he thought he heard. Stan just shrugged and put his hands in his brown coat pockets.

"Well, I was just saying, it's the holidays so lets just stop fighting." he replied. Kyle walked away from Cartman and over to Stan, putting his arm on Stan's shoulder.

"Like, celebrate how, Stan?" he asked, calmer than he was when he was fighting with Cartman. Kyle's been really stressed lately, and many of the students in their class, including Stan, believed it was because of the daily fights with Cartman, so he decided to stop it.

"You know, we can sing Christmas songs, but put our own twist on them." Stan suggested. Kyle thought, and nodded in agreement with the idea. Kenny walked over to them and agreed too, patting his hand on Stan's back. Cartman just lied in the snow, sick of their stupidness.

"You guys are fucking gay!" Cartman shouted out. "How do we write our own Christmas songs?" He was trying to find some sort of fault in their suggestion so that they couldn't do it. Luckily, Stan, Kyle and Kenny always had a plan.

"You know, Cartman." Kyle spoke. "Take a song that's already been written and write our own lyrics to it." Cartman thought about what Kyle said, but then decided he had another fault with that.

"That's copyrighted frigment." Cartman replied. "You're gonna get your asses sued by people who wrote those songs." Kyle about blew. His face was turning a very bright red and he knew he wanted to scream at Cartman, but Stan got in the way of that.

"Those songs are copyright, but people use them all the time and never get sued." Stan said to Cartman. They had won. Stan, Kyle and Kenny: 1. Cartman: 0.

"Fine, you black assholes." Cartman replied back. "Get your asses sued, I don't fucking care!" Stan, Kyle and Kenny just shrugged and left him in the dust. Cartman just stayed in the snow. He didn't want to be in those guises gay games anyway.

Cartman The Asshole (Sung by the tune of Frosty The Snowman)

Cartman the asshole is a freak so dumb and gay.

And he's fat and stupid and is to say.

A big fat tub of lard, okay!

Cartman the asshole is always rude to us.

But he can't be rude for he makes a wrong

Word and he gets taken away.

"How's that sound so far, guys?" Kyle asked Kenny and Stan. They looked over to the screen of Kyle's laptop to see a parody of Frosty the Snowman titled "Cartman the Asshole." Kenny and Stan read what Kyle had so far and found themselves uncontrollably laughing. It was a hilarious parody, and they wanted more.

"Okay, I'll write the whole thing and then I'll show you again." Kyle replied and began typing again.

Cartman The Asshole (Sung by the tune of Frosty The Snowman)

Cartman the asshole is a freak so dumb and gay

And he's fat and stupid and is to say

A big fat tub of lard, okay!

Cartman the asshole is always rude to us.

But he can't be rude for he makes a wrong

Word and he gets taken away.

There must have been some evilness located in Cartman's mom

For when she gave birth to him he became so super dumb

Oh, Cartman the asshole

Is as mean as anyone could be

And everyone always says "Can you go away?"

Whenever he doesn't leave (a store!)

Fag, fag fag, fag, fag fag,

Cartman is a fag.

Fag, fag fag, fag, fag fag

He is every day!

"Okay, guys. Done with this parody!" Kyle replied. He tilted the screen of his laptop over to Kenny and Stan so that they could read what Kyle had written. Of course, just reading the first few lines made them laugh uncontrollably. They each decided they'd write a few parody's, so Stan got up and moved Kyle out of the way.

"Alright, Kyle! I'm next!" he said, getting ready to type. He was certain his song was going to be much funnier than Kyle's "Cartman the Asshole."

It's The Most Dumbelest Time Of The Year (Sung by the tune of "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year)

It's the most dumbelest time of the year

With the teacher all snoring

And the guys in the class telling

You "oh come here!"

It's the most dumbelest time of the year.

There'll be girls all go-going

"Oh lets go mistletoeing"

And have some good cheer!

There'll be boys all dumbed out

And the girls will all shout

"Oh you're dumb as a deer!

It's the most dumbelest time of the year

The parents all going

We don't have the money

For presents, oh dear!

It's the most dumbelest time of the year!

`"Alright, guys! This one is funny! C'mon, read it!" Stan said, motioning for Kyle and Kenny to go on and read his parody. They all thought that "It's The Most Dumbelest Time Of The Year" was funny, but Kenny knew he could top them.

"Move over, Stan!" Kenny said, scooting Stan over in the chair he was sitting on. "I'm going to top each of you, no matter what!" He began typing, while Stan and Kyle just shrugged, waiting for Kenny to write his parody song.

Oh, Dick On Me (Sung by the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree)

Oh, dick on me

Oh, dick on me

Why do you lie so softly

Oh, dick on me

Oh, dick on me

Why do you lie so softly

When I see a girl

With no top on

You start to harden

And get so hot

Oh, dick on me

Oh, dick on me

Why do you lie so softly

"Okay, I'm finished!" Kenny replied. Stan and Kyle were both surprised. Kenny finished his parody so quickly. Could it really be better than theirs combined? They looked over the screen, surprised at what they saw. But soon, they found themselves getting big, devious smiles on their faces. They both fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

"That is nuts man!" Kyle shouted out. Kenny stood up proud.

"It is, isn't it!" Kenny said. They both just figured out what Kyle said and what it meant, and started laughing much harder this time. So hard their sides hurt. So hard, Kyle's mom downstairs heard the boys laughing and decided to see what was going on.

"Kyle! What are you laughing at!" Kyle's mom, Sheila Broflovski, asked, banging on Kyle's door. The boy's couldn't hear her for their laughs were too loud. Mrs. Broflovski decided she wasn't taking anymore crap from her son not answering her, so she opened the door on him. She never did this to her son for she knew he needed his privacy, but this time, she thought it was the right thing to do.

"What are you laughing at Kyle?" she asked. He didn't answer for he was still laughing. Mrs. Broflovski noticed Kyle's laptop on and went over to it. She was seriously hoping he wasn't going to any naughty websites and that's why they were laughing, but that wasn't it. She looked at the screen and was surprised at what she saw.

"WHAT WHAT WHAT!" she asked, surprised. She read through the titles of the songs. "Cartman the Asshole," "The Most Dumbelest Time Of The Year," and "Oh, Dick On Me." She didn't like the titles of the songs and finally was fed up with Kyle.

"KYLE!" she shouted, finally getting serious. Stan and Kenny walked out the door, waving goodbye to Kyle on the way. They knew that whenever Mrs. Broflovski got mad, they were going to be blamed too, so they walked out, hoping not to get in trouble as well.

"What is it, mom?" Kyle asked. Mrs. Broflovski moved the laptop screen towards him and pointed at it.

"What is this, Kyle?" she asked, not happy with him. Sure she's heard them cursing and using naughty words before, but this was just too far. Making up fake Christmas songs that are much more inappropriate than the real song was was just going too far. Plus, the Broflovski's were Jewish, so Kyle shouldn't have been writing fake, inappropriate Christmas songs and start writing nice, clean Hanukah songs.

"Kyle, I don't want to see anything like this smut ever again, okay!" she shouted, trying to make what she said clear to Kyle. "Or you won't get Hanukah presents this year!" Kyle hung his head down low and just nodded.

"Yes, mom." he said. Mrs. Broflovski kissed her songs head and exited his room. Kyle felt himself getting mad again. Sure that was his mom, but she was just so annoying and rude. Kyle wished he never had a mom like her, and soon, found himself singing a parody again.

I'm Getting Nuttin' For Hanukah (Sung by the tune of Nuttin' For Christmas)

I got mad at Cartman today

My mom had found out

I wrote some dirty Christmas songs

My mom had found out

She is so very annoying

Always telling me what to do

I'm not gonna take it anymore

My mom won't find out

But now I'm getting Nuttin' for Hanukah

My mom is super pissed

I'm getting Nuttin' for Hanukah

Because I wrote dirty Christmas songs

"KYLE! YOU'RE NOT SINGING A CHRISTMAS PARODY AGAIN, ARE YOU!" Mrs. Broflovski asked her son from downstairs, having heard him singing "I'm Getting Nuttin' For Hanukah." Kyle sighed.

"Ugh, no mom!" Kyle replied back. He didn't hear back from his mom, and figured he was sick of all this hard, difficult Hanukah activity. He decided he'd run away and become of different religion so he could celebrate Christmas like his friends. So he packed his suitcase, hung a rope from his room down to the ground outside, rode down the rope, and ran out into the snowy mountains of Colorado.

"I'm finally going to be able to hang with my friends!" Kyle murmured, trudging his way through the strong, Colorado winds and snow. Kyle felt himself getting very cold after a few steps and wondered if he should have gone back, but soon shrugged it off.

"No, Kyle! You don't want to go back!" he shuddered to himself, and continued. He soon found himself hearing voices, though.

"Howdy Ho, Kyle!" he heard. He thought it was his imagination running wild, and just ignored it and trudged on. He soon heard it again.

"Hey, there, Kyle! Why the long face?" the voice said again. Kyle soon got fed up and looked behind him to see Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Kyle hadn't seen him in forever and was excited to see him again.

"What's wrong, Kyle. You don't look happy!" he said. Kyle shrugged and looked at Mr. Hankey, a frown on his face. He could easily tell Mr. Hankey anything, and figured he would.

"Oh, Mr. Hankey. I hate being Jewish!" he sighed. "My mom is such a bitch!" Mr. Hankey frowned and looked at Kyle with a serious look. It wasn't right for someone to hate their religion, but for someone like Kyle who had nothing better to do, he decided he'd help him out.

"Hey, Kyle. I want to show you something!" Mr. Hankey said, using his magical powers on Kyle. Kyle felt a magical force around him, and after he was done, he found himself at Stan's house.

"Stan's house?" Kyle asked. Mr. Hankey just hushed him and looked back inside.

"Just listen." he replied. Kyle just hushed and looked inside. There he saw Shelley, Stan's evil sister, with a smile on her face. Stan was standing next to his sister with a smile on his face too. Randy and Sharon Marsh, Stan's parents, were holding each other, looking at their Christmas tree.

"Isn't this just great?" Randy asked. "We all worked together to get this like it is!" The whole family replied in nods, believing what their father and husband just said. It was a beautiful tree, as green as the lightest grass, with red and blue and green orbs surrounding it, having it as colorful as a rainbow. It was a magical tree, and Kyle found himself jealous.

"So?" Kyle told Mr. Hankey. "Stan gets to decorate Christmas trees and I don't. So what?" Mr. Hankey sighed. Kyle wasn't getting what he was saying, so he used his magical dust again and they soon found themselves at Cartman's place.

"AWW! CARTMAN'S PLACE?" Kyle asked surprised. Mr. Hankey hushed him again and they soon listened to what was happening in the Cartman's house.

"Poopsikins, are you sure you don't want to help mommy decorate the tree?" Liane Cartman, Cartman's mother, asked him. Cartman just hushed his mother and continued on with his show.

"Mom, there's a Christmas movie marathon on and I don't want to miss it, Okay?" he asked his mom. She just shrugged and smiled and her growing up little boy.

"Okay, Eric! I'll decorate it." she said happily. She could never get mad at her little boy. She just loved him too much. "Wait until you see how colorful and beautiful it will be after I decorate it with all the ornaments!" Cartman just hushed his mom once again.

"Sure, okay, okay! Just hush!" Cartman said, continuing on with his show. Kyle just shrugged at Mr. Hankey, not knowing what he was getting at.

"So, Cartman's an asshole like always! So what?" Kyle asked Mr. Hankey again. Mr. Hankey sighed a demeaning sigh and cursed under his breath.

"Oh, for the love of…" Mr. Hankey finally took his magical power and took them to the final house. The house of the McCormick's. Kyle looked into the house to see Kenny with his mother, Mrs. McCormick, his father, Stuart McCormick, and his brother and sister. They were standing around a dead, Christmas tree with one ornament on the top of it. They were crying, but yet happy at the same time.

"Well, kids, wife," Mr. McCormick began. "It's not much, and we're not getting presents this year…like always. But maybe Santa will actually think about us this year." The rest of the family held their heads down and just quietly nodded in agreement.

"Aw, what the hell am I saying?" Mr. McCormick spoke again. "He's going to forget about us like he does every year! So what's the whole point of Christmas?" The rest of the family started crying and they all had a big group hug. They were so sad, and Kyle felt so sad for them.

"Aww, aww!" he cried in sympathy. "That's so sad. They don't get presents?" He looked over at Mr. Hankey, seeing him shaking his head.

"Not for the past thirteen years." he said. Kyle couldn't believe it. That's how many years Kenny has been on earth! And he hasn't' got a single present for Christmas for the whole time he's been on earth? Kyle couldn't help but feel so sad for them.

"Mr. Hankey, why did you show me all this?" Kyle asked him seriously. Mr. Hankey smiled, seeing Kyle was finally interested in why he brought him to all these places.

"I wanted to show you that everyone celebrates Christmas differently." Mr. Hankey said. "The Marsh's celebrate it with decorating a nice tree together, the Cartman's celebrate it by having Mrs. Cartman decorating the tree, and the McCormick's celebrate it with only a little crap thing of a tree." Kyle couldn't help but have what Mr. Hankey said to him go deep into his heart. How could he run away from home during the holiday season?

"Mr. Hankey, will you take me home?" Kyle asked. Mr. Hankey smiled. Kyle must have really learned an important lesson about the holiday season.

"Well, of course Kyle!" Mr. Hankey said, using his magical powers for the last time. Before they knew it, they were at Kyle's house. Kyle looked over at Mr. Hankey.

"Thank you, Mr. Hankey." he said. Mr. Hankey just nodded.

"No problem, Kyle!" he replied. "It's an honor to help one of my best Jewish friends! But I must be going now." Kyle nodded in agreement and saw Mr. Hankey magically disappear. Kyle decided he'd walk through the front door to surprise them.

"Hi, mom and dad." he said. They both looked at him surprised.

"Kyle, how did you get outside?" Mrs. Broflovski asked her son. Kyle didn't answer her and just went over and gave her a hug. She felt surprised.

"Kyle, what's this all of a sudden?" she asked. Kyle just looked up at his mom.

"I don't care if we don't celebrate Christmas!" he said. "Hanukah isn't that bad either!" Mrs. Broflovski felt surprised hearing her son say this, but was proud of him too.

"Well, good for you Kyle." she said back. "I wasn't trying to get you to not sing Christmas songs. I just didn't want you singing those inappropriate versions you had on your laptop. I don't have a problem with Christmas songs OR the Christmas season!" Kyle nodded. He understood what she was saying. She didn't have to explain.

"I know mom. I know." he said. He just gave her another hug, and this time, she accepted.

"You know what I learned, mom." Kyle spoke again. "Christmas isn't about what religion you are. It's about your family, your friends…"

"And presents." Kyle's eight year old brother, Ike said. Kyle nodded.

"Yep. And presents." Kyle repeated.

"Well, guess there's nothing left to do but…" Stan Marsh said, automatically appearing in Kyle's kitchen.

"But…?" Kyle asked. Then they all began to sing. Along with Cartman and Kenny, who also magically appeared in the kitchen.

Hark the herald angels sing

Glory to the new-born king!

Peace on earth and mercy mild

God and sinners reconciled!

Joyful all ye nations, rise

Join the triumph of the skies

Hark! The herald angels sing

Glory to the new born king.

"Hello, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and Kyle Broflovski." a man asked them. "I'm from the Copyrighted Universities of America!"

"Yeah, so?" Cartman asked. He gave each of the three boys a card.

"You are all sued for fifty thousand dollars for illegally copywriting already written Christmas songs." Cartman felt himself get all happy inside, and danced a dance in front of Kyle.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! You are getting sued!" Cartman sang. "Just like I predicted!" Stan, Kyle and Kenny all groaned.

"AWWW!" they all said in unison. Cartman continued to dance, while the parents just talked with each other.

"Remember, kids!" the guy from the Copyrighted Universities of America. "Don't illegally steal Christmas songs. It's WRONG! And you, too, will be sued for fifty thousand dollars, which you are now!" Gives the reader a card. "You are now sued for illegally singing and stealing and writing your own parody's of Christmas songs. So we'll be seeing you in court."

The End.


End file.
